- Have you ever felt a red-hot discomfort from receiving a compliment?
- Do compliments make you feel guilty, weird or like you need to say something nice back?
- Do you respond to compliments with a “no that’s not true” or “yes, but….” Instead of a simple “thank you”?
If your answer to the questions is yes, then this article is for you.
I find that there are two main reasons why it is hard for women to accept a compliment. Self-esteem and culture.
I have previously written about how important self-esteem is in my 5 keys to being classy. Now I found an article on psychology today that captures the essence of this issue by saying that how receptive you are to compliments can be a reflection of your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.
When you receive a compliment it contradicts with your own negative view of yourself and makes you feel uncomfortable. I believe that it is not only due to that you find the compliments being jarring and unauthentic, but rather that you feel like you unintentionally have fooled that person into believing that you are better than you actually are. Which triggers a feeling of shame. Therefore, instead of saying “thank you” you say that “its not really true” or “I am not really good at that, it just seems like it”.
Not everyone who is uncomfortable receiving compliments necessarily has low self-esteem. Sometimes I think that it has to do with an intention to be humble
When you receive a compliment for something you did well, or for your beauty, and you know that you did that thing really well, and you are well aware that you are beautiful, you still do not accept the compliment because you believe that it will make you seem pompous and full of yourself (after all we are thought not to blot about our successes or act as if we are better than others). Therefore, instead of saying “thank you” you choose to say something like “yes, but I was lucky” or “it must be because I put extra makeup on today”.
I know I can. I have probably experienced a bit of both. Sometimes, I feel like people think I am better than I actually am which make compliments feel like lies. I don’t see these lies as their lies; I see them as my lies. In my head I think that I must have done something to make them believe this illusion of me being perfect.
However, for the most part I mainly relate to the culture issue. I have had a lot of success very early on in life, especially in my career. I am aware of this, and I am also aware of it being due to my own hard work and resourcefulness but still I frame it as luck, as if I did nothing and somebody just came and handed me these opportunities. While actually I made some tough choices, I created my own opportunities, an I am honestly proud of how far that has taken me. But, when someone says “I wish I had your determination and drive” or “you have done very well for yourself” I tend to downplay my own role in my success and say “I have been very lucky” or “Its all about luck and timing” and so on.
Why? Because, while I am comfortable in my own success, I feel that we live in a world were someone else’s success is perceived as one’s own failure. And that confident and successful woman are more likely to seem pompous and full of them selves than confident and successful men. Therefore, I often do not dare to simply say “thank you” when someone acknowledges my hard work.
So, ladies, make sure not to downplay your beauty, brilliance, or your accomplishments next time you receive a compliment. Just say “thank you”, it does not have to be harder than that.
And to get you more comfortable receiving compliments, I want to share this article by Madly in Love With Me where they share a 3 step process of being better at receiving (not only compliments).
How do you respond to compliments and do you find compliments uncomfortable?
Similar posts you might like:
No. 2 Rule of a Lady and why you don't need a man
No. 1 Rule of a Lady and why you should be classy
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Great words! I think how confident you are can very from day to day or subject to subject. Certain compliments I'm comfortable with and others not. It's always good to have a reminder like this!
ReplyDeletehttp://howtomakehome.blogspot.com
Can I just say this is a very well written post and totally accurate! Also, I know this sounds weird, but I always strive to be somewhat of a renaissance woman... I'm so glad this blog exists! Class, etiquette and a bit of reality humor :) x
ReplyDelete@Lauren Michelle Major
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right, it does vary. I think that a good way of handling the uncomfortable compliments is by simply saying "thank you" even if one would rather go with a "no, thats not true" or a "yes, but...."
Of course one should try to find the underlying causes of why certain compliments makes one uncomfortable, but a first step is to accept the compliment when you receive one.
Also, thank you so much for your comment! It means a lot when people take their time <3
@Supal
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I am so happy you enjoyed the post, and it means a lot to hear someone say that it is well written! <3
I actually could tell that about you! (the renaissance part) I adore your blog and it is because you do have a similar style and mindset as me. Therefore I am extra excited over your opinion of my blog!
I really like this post, your blog is very positive and I like it!
ReplyDeleteSHE WALKS Blog
Fantastic post, and a prevalent subject today!!
ReplyDeletewww.fashiontrendforward.com
So well written and yes we must learn to embrace our accomplishments and accept compliments graciously especially when it is well deserved !
ReplyDeleteDo visit my blog & if you like, follow me on GFC, Bloglovin & Twitter, leave a comment & I'll surely follow back! Have a lovely day!
Feisty Fox Diaries
@Ester Ramos
ReplyDeleteThank you soo much! that is so kind of you to say ^_^!
@Annette
ReplyDeleteThank you soo much! I am so happy you enjoyed the post and its super kind of you to take your time to tell me <3
Comments are usually pretty awkward :) And if it's a comment on my appearance, or something I've just done, I'll usually just say a quick thank you.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think we should be careful to include others in the compliment where needful.
If someone praises the skirt I'm wearing, I'll say, "Thank you - my mum made it for me," or whatever. I don't want to be hogging all the glory :)
Thank you for the post - I like your blog!
Rhoda :)
I think you are handling compliments very well for feeling that it is awkward! And, of course, if your mother made your skirt it is only natural that you would include that in your reply. I happen to sometimes even state the brand I am wearing when people give me compliments on my clothes. As if I am some red carped celebrity, he he. Its quite strange that i do that, not that I think about it ;)
DeleteAlso, thank you so much for your comment! <3 it means a lot when people take their time to write down their thoughts !
Oh, you're welcome :)
DeleteIt is often such a blessing when you get longer comments! <3
This blog is really adorable dear, I love the contents, now following via bloglovin.
ReplyDelete<3
http://zazzish.blogspot.pt/
Thank you so much! I am really happy you enjoy it! I'll make sure to check your blog out as well.
Delete